Well where do I start, 2023 was a very challenging year it all started on the 3rd January where out of no where I started to have multiple seizures which was very out of the ordinary for me on that particular day I had around 8 seizures back to back and of course this caused a major concern I was rushed to hospital and kept in for 5 days which I was then diagnosed with Dissociative Seizures more commonly known as Non-Epileptic Seizures, I was released on my mothers birthday 7th January.
From then onwards it was like I was having a cup of tea with Lucifer, sat in hell not a day went by where I didn't have at least 2 seizures just going a week without one the family was getting the party poppers out, but truth be told this was taking a major toll on my mental wellbeing I started to see dark, all the negative thoughts going through my head all the questions I had "why is this happening to me? what did I do? I have already had a shit past why are you giving me a shit future?" so many questions and no one to answer them, I was put on multiple medications but none worked, I had to do as much research as possible on Dissociative Seizures and as it turns out they are very common but unrecognised, people just assume the person is faking a seizure (why on gods green earth would you want to fake a seizure) anyway I wasn't sure what seizure was worse, the Tonic-Clonic Seizures (Epileptic) or the Dissociative ones both are just as bad as one another, because my body and mind where under so much stress I have had at least 10 Tonic-Clonic ones this year which is very out of the ordinary for me unfortunately this lead me to do the unthinkable just to get the seizures to stop and a cry for help because I needed it.
To solve the issue I had to start something called CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) it is where you focus on key behaviours that could be leading to the low mood or in my world an increase in seizures, I am still going through it I am doing it with my countries (UK) Therapy Service (NHS Talking Therapies) and posted about it a few times on my TikTok but it has really been helping, I haven't had a Dissociative Seizure since September and I have downloaded an App called ME+ it is an app that specialises in CBT and is working like a dream, in the new year I aim to utilise their fitness videos to help me boost my self-esteem sadly I have lost my job due to the rise in seizures, I was once a Bureau Manager for a Bureau based in a supermarket and I loved my job, my staff and the staff in the supermarket they where all very supportive and amazing when it came to my issues and as a manager in the store even though it wasn't my job I still cared for each and everyone of them, the final meeting I had to see if I was still capable to for fill my role realisation hit me that if my seizures where to continue it would be too risky for me to sit in the Bureau I could severely injure myself so you can imagine there where a few tears, but I always go to visit my staff as they will always be that My Staff.
We are now in December, Christmas was beautiful I dashed myself up and enjoyed my time over at my mum and dads who are well and truly my hero's if it wasn't for them I don't know where I would be right now they have been my rock the entire year, they where upset when I did the unthinkable but they didn't have a go they just held me tight and now I can talk to them, My sisters have also been so understanding and so supportive they make sure to check in every now and again.
They say that when you are going through a rough patch in your life you realise who your friends are and this year has really opened my eyes it has made me realise that saying is true but that's just it, its a rough patch, yes I fell down the rabbit hole but I and climbing back up and I know that I am half way there I can see the green grass.
I encourage everyone if you are feeling alone if you can feel yourself heading down that rabbit hole, it is ok to not be ok, seek help I would never want anyone to reach rock bottom like I did.
Links are below for anyone wishing to seek help, understand Epilepsy or try and understand Mental Health.
Remember, doesn't matter what you are going through no matter how small or how big, Talk about it.
Wishing you all a Happy New Year